Singleness: The Journey From Believing Lies to Finding Freedom

Singleness.

What a tough topic to discuss, huh?

As we talked about in my relationship roundup, I have had quite the experience with dating in the past couple of years.

Journey

If I’m being honest though, I’ve been on this journey since elementary school when I had a crush on a boy from hockey in second grade.

Unsurprisingly, I crushed on him from afar, never admitted anything to anyone, and have been crushing on a slew of boys from a distance ever since.

As you probably know, crushes aren’t based in reality.

They’re based on assumptions and superficiality. He said hi to me and he sat next to me at the movies, I think he might like me!

The benefit is that crushes make the crusher feel optimistic and in control; and it takes up a lot of time trying to analyze all of the circumstances and figure out what he really meant by that comment he made.

That’s all a perpetually single girl wants, right? To be preoccupied with a cute boy and consider the possibility of good things coming about.

Especially when the perceived alternative is rejection and humiliation from confiding in the unassuming crush, them saying no, and what they might tell people afterwards.

Lies

To say the least, singleness is a minefield.

You aren’t trying hard enough? You’re in denial.

Trying too hard? You’re desperate.

Turning down blind dates and set ups? You’re resisting.

Not finding anyone that sparks your interest? You’re too picky.

The lies are there and there are many. We are inundated by it!

How do we know the best course to take when all we’ve experienced is disappointment?

At times, I struggle to believe in the eventual success of something that has failed every time to date.

And believe me I tried all the tactics:

Let me go out more – even though I pretty much hate going out unless I’m going to be with and exclusively talk to people I know already – to see if I can meet new people.

Hmm… yeah that one didn’t work. I was mostly annoyed that I wasted a good outfit and didn’t get enough sleep.

How about I do all of the hobbies I enjoy – volunteering, coffee shop blogging, work – and see if I meet anyone ‘naturally’ through that.

Shocker, but that didn’t work either. Talk about distracted. I looked like a scared cat anytime someone came in to the room, always wondering if I'd have my very own meet-cute but was left disappointed that nope, it's not him either.

What about reconsidering all of my guy friends because maybe our love story will be one of those long-time friend turned love of my life scenarios?

Yeah, not that either. I think there is a reason we didn’t immediately start liking each other to begin with.

And then there is online dating. Who knew there were so many surfer, dog-loving, outdoorsy men in Manhattan??

Mind you, this is not meant to be exhaustive or generalizing. The whole reason I tried these tactics was because they work out for people!

So don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing. Just more explaining the journey to where I am now.

Ah, maturation. Sometimes it takes an embarrassing trip down memory lane to show you how far you’ve come.

Truth

This is the story of a girl that is single.

But I think it’s a bit different than most.

You see, I am at a place in my life where I can honestly say I want that – my best friend, a husband, the father of my children – but I was Him more.

I’ve been rolling around this idea in my head that if I can trust God with abandon in my work life, in my volunteering, and in my platonic relationships, why is it so hard to trust him with my romantic relationships?

He literally blows my socks off with His goodness in my finances.

He astounds me with His thoughtfulness in my friendships.

He amazes me with His leading me to New York and this wonderful life I live here.

And yet, I have been terrified to let go of the years of striving to “find the right guy” or “be the right girl to attract the right guy”.

It is a hard habit to break, but I am believing that it is possible because, thankfully, with God all things are possible!

Revelation

This morning I attended a meeting of all of the financial counselors across the 10+ parishes of my church.

Being a part of this ministry has been really impactful for me. It was the first time I was able to use my love of finances to help others. It was also where God renewed the feeling of needing to create a space for where young urban Christians could learn about finances with a fresh perspective (aka S+B). And it’s where I have been stretched and humbled by the amazing women I have been fortunate enough to meet with and support in their financial journeys.

During our discussion, another ministry I volunteer with - the benevolence fund – was brought up and, in that moment, I felt like God said: this is why.

I wondered what He meant, but also instantly felt peace about the implication.

This is why you are single, and it is not a punishment. It is an honor.

I reflect on all of the things I have done during my singleness – the counseling, benevolence fund, prayer team, retreats, kid’s ministry, small group leading, etc. – and I am so thankful that God has called me to this place of leadership during this season of my life.

I am so thankful that I have stopped fighting and have let Him take the lead.

It makes it so much more joyful to focus on the people right in front of me than wonder if “my guy” is around and it’s up to me to find him.

Freedom

I have no idea whether I will be single forever or married next year.

Only God knows that.

But I did have this thought: What if this is my life? What if I am called to singleness much longer than I ever hoped?

I must confess that I actually think I’m quite good at being single, which might be part of my "problem". One revelation I had after breaking up with a boyfriend was that I tend to be a better person when I’m single than when I’m in a relationship. 

What does that mean?

Well, I am much more outwardly focused for one.

Secondly, I have a greater capacity to serve.

I think that this is partially true for me because of my fear about the question I just asked. Maybe I had a hunch that I’d be single for most of my 20’s and I wanted to have something to show for myself when it was all over.

Now that I mention it, I think that’s how I feel about my whole life.

When I meet my maker, I want to be able to have examples of the people I’ve loved and the works I’ve performed to advance the Kingdom.

I want to honestly say I used everything you gave me. I didn’t waste a single skill, talent, or day.

Forward

Rather than feeling despairing about my age and station in life, I feel strongly encouraged.

I know that God has something big in the works and I am so anticipatory about what the future holds.

Singleness is not loneliness.

Singleness is not isolation.

Singleness is not failure.

There is no competition to be single or married. One is not better than another.

These words do not inherently mean love, belonging, or acceptance. They describe your civil status.

So chin up, dear friends, because God has a plan for our lives. He has considered everything with aching precision and thoughtfulness.

If he can make a rainbow at just the precise time or allow you to run into a friend randomly on the street in Manhattan, He is definitely capable of magical things with your love life should that be His inclination.

And if it doesn’t feel like it’s happening quick enough, I urge you to seek Him and discern what He really wants you to be focused on.

As I’ve said before, He is not aimlessly keeping you waiting. He is purposefully detaining you because He needs you focused on something else.

Trust in His direction.

Throw out your timeline.

Forget what the world says.

Follow Him to the ends of the earth.