Two pieces of information: first, before sitting down to write this post, I felt prompted by God to go back and reread the introduction to S+B’s “About” page.  Second, my natural response to shame is to hide or act like I don’t care. 

You’re probably wondering what these two things have to do with one another and why I'd start off a post with it.

Well, when I set about creating Shrewd + Beatific it was meant to be taken seriously by myself and others. As you know, I’m not one to do things lightly.

If I feel called to start a blog, then I’m getting into the blogging business, baby! This will not be some personal outlet that only my mom reads (still love that you do though!). It would be the beginning of something bigger than me. A place to share, on a weekly basis, what God wants me to share.

So with all of that in mind, I launched S+B last Fall.

However, overtime the internal dialogue shifted to God, how do you know if people care? If this is meaningful? If it sounds like I’m being informative enough, honest enough, hopeful enough?

It then evolved into God, I’m not sure I heard you right, I think you meant a balanced presentation of each topic equally rather than whatever you put on my heart because I haven’t posted about career in a while and this can’t be a blog about personal finance, relationships, and career if I never talk about my career!

This eventually became Who am I kidding, what advice do I have about these topics anyways? What’s new and different that people haven’t heard a million times before? You know what, I’m not going to post this week after all because I’m actually super busy and I’m not even sure what I would have written about that was relevant and worth the effort of creating. It’s not like anyone will even notice anyways. 

And that, S+B gals, is how a blog with the best of intentions tries to get off the ground, but dies a slow death instead.

Yes, it’s true that work has been absolutely nuts. Yes, it’s true that I have big exciting things in the works that were taking up mental space. Yes, it’s true that our time and resources are finite, things are meant to happen in seasons, and this could have only been about getting myself out there.

However, I will go on the record - if it isn’t already clear - to state that the radio silence we’ve seen here is due to fear and doubt. The rest were just enablers. 

If I'm sure of anything, it's that what God is asking me to do with Shrewd + Beatific is not complete yet.

We are not done here.

And so here I was, feeling led to write about this life-altering update and before I can even get to it, God's detouring me to reread my own words (it feels as vain as it sounds).

For those of you that haven't memorized the entire site, the section I'm referencing says: 

Launched in 2016 as an act of obedience to God, I finally gave into the prompting of my heart and decided to share what I’ve learned about career, personal finances, and relationships. I truly believe that I am a vessel for His Kingdom and I want to pour out everything I have for the benefit of inspiring, informing, and uplifting others.

This whole, entire thing is about obedience and I’ve been having a bit of a listening problem lately.

When I look at other blogs, I see hip, successful women explaining to their readers about how hip and successful they are so their readers can also become hip and successful . Unfortunately - and, hopefully, fortunately for you - that is not Shrewd + Beatific's mission.

This space is about me being real and discussing whatever I am going through in order to bring greater transparency to the journey of being an urban, Christian woman for the Kingdom of God.

In spite of my shame, which prompted me to want to pretend this space didn't exist when I began to stumble in my confidence, I am recommitting to being me in all my imperfect glory, even if it kills me (or feels like it).

This is just one of several ways that God is inviting me into radical obedience.  

In order to do that, I need to stop trying to be someone I’m not (hello, cool blogger girl) and just be myself (radically in love with Jesus, fear of man be damned).

That’s not to say that I haven’t been authentic this whole time, I certainly have. But to say that I didn’t feel self-imposed pressure to be a certain way or evoke a certain outcome, would be a lie.

I wanted this to be helpful for you! I wanted to "inspire, inform, and uplift others" as the quote above states.

However, wanting to be helpful began to supersede God’s obedience directive. I naively and pridefully felt like I knew how to do that better than following God's lead and letting Him do the heart work for me.

And, of course, if I’m putting y’all ahead of God in the name of helping God with Kingdom things, then I have this all sorts of backwards. Right?

In the spirit of going back to basics and stepping into radical obedience, I am choosing to let go of the desire to be well-received and helpful. I am releasing the vision I have for S+B so that it can be free to be whatever God intended it to be.

I am re-centering the posture of my heart towards God despite having absolutely no idea where that will take us. Cue all the 'fear' feels!

So that's where we are and a slice of what God's doing in my heart! I am so glad to be back, S+B gals, and I am anxiously (see, keeping real!) awaiting what God will call us to via this blog. One thing I know for sure, it will be worth it. 

Oh wait, you still want to know my exciting, life-altering update?

Well, here it is:

Come Fall 2017, I will be moving to Luxembourg!

Say, what!?

You heard me. This girl is headed to Europe!!

Tune in next week to hear more about how radical obedience is turning my life upside down and why I am following God's call to leave my amazingly full NYC life for the unknown awaiting me on the Continent.