When I think back to the life I imagined living in the city, before I actually moved here, it looked like a scene out of Sex and the City. In my dreams, my best friends and I would meet at cute brunch spots around the city, sit on park benches eating ice cream and talking about dating, and wear the most popular fashion trends. To be fair, at the time I was an atheist, high-school student that just wanted what she imagined living that fun life felt like and assumed if you replicated the external experience you would get the same internal feelings.

Fast forward ten years (one salvation and one full-time job later), I decided to answer the call to move to New York despite the fact that I was nervous about whether I’d find anyone like me or that would like me. It didn’t happen straight away. Those first six months felt listless and frustrating as I so badly wanted to find my girls but knew trying to manufacture those relationships would be fruitless and likely cause me more harm than good in the longrun.

In honor of my approaching two-year friendiverary – yes, this is a thing for New Yorkers! – with the people that made me realize this is my home, I wanted to recap what I’ve learned and the five friends every city girl needs to make living in this place doable and fun, year after year.

The Encouraging Friend

We all know that this city can be super tough. Not only can you get rained on without your umbrella, yelled at by a stranger, and delayed on the subway - all on the way to work – but there is sickness, divorce, job loss, and so many other things going on as well. New York doesn’t sugarcoat it for you, that’s for sure.

We all need the friend that cheers us on, tells us we’re going to be okay, and is our biggest cheerleader. The one who faithfully reminds us of who God says we are and that He’s in control when it becomes overwhelming. “Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard”, said Mary Schmich in her infamous 1997 column. I would amend that to say “Live in New York City and find friends that keep you soft”.

The Spontaneous Friend

Everyone has those friends – and sometimes that friend is me! – who responds to the question “when can we hang out?” with a “hmm, I think I’m free in three weeks”. Our schedules are packed, which requires us to make plans far in advance. It's not that we don't want to hang out, it's just that we've already committed to that work function, volunteer event, or weekly small group as well. 

The friends that I’ve come to cherish and broke that stereotypical NYC-friend veneer of busyness as a badge of honor and evidence of the "cool factor" were the ones that made plans spontaneously. Want to go to Rockaway tomorrow at 6am? Send out a group chat. Walking by my apartment and want to say hi? Shoot me a text.

For most transplants, spontaneity reminds people of simpler times when they lives in the ‘burbs and it wasn’t a herculean effort to do something casual with the people you feel comfortable gchatting at work about your cancelled plans, wondering if they want to come over, order Thai, and drink wine on your couch instead. 

The Wise Friend

This one can take a lot of forms, but the gist of it is this: this city has a tremendous amount to offer in terms of the kinds of people that choose to make New York their home. They may be captains of industry, leading a small group at your church, or something in between.

Executing on this friend inherently involves humility on your part. You need to be introspective enough to know where you want or need to grow. For me specifically, I love the friends that are further in their spiritual walk than I am, are in my anticipated next phase of life (married with and without kids), or are my bosses at work. I want to make the most of my life and benefiting from the lessons of others so that I don’t waste time making the same mistakes they made is crucial to my edification.

The Real Friend

Just as much as you need wise counsel, you also need that girlfriend that total gets where you are because they're there too. There is something extremely comforting about having a friend you can turn to and say “what, you too?” Just as I did with my wise friends, I try to have a friend like this in all the major areas of my life. I have a coworker friend that started at the Firm the week before me and, eighteen months later, celebrated our promotions together. Likewise, I have my single girlfriends that have also tried Coffee Meets Bagel and knows exactly what to say when the guy you were messaging ghosts you. Spiritually, I am volunteer with my church and some of my best friends are the ladies that volunteer alongside me.

Especially in a city where there are so many people putting up that “I’m perfect” front, having friends that you can have a transparent conversation with about your struggles is invaluable. The inundation of the New York City “I have it all and my life is insta-perfect” creates a special space for true vulnerability to facilitate even deeper and richer relationships than you would find elsewhere.

The Man Friend

No, not that kind of man friend! While this might be counter-cultural within the Christian community at large, I will go on the record to say that I would not be the person I am today without the amazing men in my church community. They encourage and challenge me both in terms of who I am and what I stand for, but also how I live out my role within the Kingdom of God. Especially with this blog, they strongly applauded my efforts and endorsed the need for this type of voice for their sisters, daughters, female friends, girlfriends, and wives.

I would be remiss to overlook mentioning that I have guardrails in place to ensure a respectful and honoring relationships with them, but overall I have grown so much as a person because of my brothers in Christ. They have prayed with me, volunteered alongside me, danced with me at friend’s weddings, worshipped with me, and affirmed my worth as a daughter of the King. We have taken roadtrips and day trips, all the while discussing faith, our identities, and our jobs among other topics.

In light of our culture’s, and New York specifically, emphasis on objectification and on “romantic potential or no relationship at all” mentalities, these men have been a kind reminder of the truth that that my worth as a person and sister is of the utmost importance.

On a related note, my male coworkers have been equally as valuable to my career development at the Firm. Last year, I was the only woman to play on the Firm’s ice hockey team. It was a bit different playing with recent D1 college grads and 50-year old Partners, but I held my own and was better for the experience. In the office, I report to male superiors that advocate for and provide counsel around navigating my career. Likewise, I manage and mentor male subordinates as well and each situation provides another opportunity to learn more about myself and practice implementing what I’ve learned.

So that’s the list! My hope is that you take stock in the relationships you have and are grateful of these special people in your life. At the end of the day what I love most about this city and my life is who I share it with (Do you know that quote?)

What about you? What’s on your list?

Let me know in the comments!